Dear friend,

I wish I had told you how you changed my life while I had the chance.

You were unashamed to be yourself in a way I didn’t yet know was possible. Your energy was flamboyant and fierce, and with that you carved your niche with a specificity that was entirely yours. No one else could have made what you made. You were radiant, always, and transformative for so many people—including me, in ways I’m only now beginning to fully embody.

I wish I had appreciated how beautiful a person you were during our time together. I wish I had treated you better.

I didn’t expect I would miss you this much. I guess I just always assumed there would be more time.

It was many years after we broke up that I finally embarked on my journey as a trans woman. You may not have been with me to see it, but I want you to know that you were part of what made it possible. You showed me what it looked like to live without apology, to take up exactly the right amount of space, to be seen fully and not flinch. I didn’t know at the time I was watching a map being drawn.

Whether you knew it or not, and whether you meant to or not, you helped me shape the person I am now. I will carry that with me always.

But I’m still not sure what to do with everything I’m feeling. The guilt of not being a better partner when we were together; the pain of knowing you’re gone; the gratitude I have for having known you at all; the way memories of you arrive carrying joy and sorrow at the same time, indistinguishable from each other. What do I do with all of that?

It is not and never was your responsibility to make me feel better about myself or my choices. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way, as I’m sure I did.

I just wish you could see me now.